My Mom and I need you input.

Hello everyone I'm kind of new to this so bear with me please. In 2006 I noticed some changes in my mom it was the early onset of dementa which I noticed coming on when we lived in NC. Since that time I moved in with her gave up my apt and my some of my things and started taking care of mom. This was a though job I being the youngest of 6 I thought I wouldve had some help, but no one ever came. Me and mom clash every now and than but what mother and daughter doesn't. Here's were the problem starts I have a sister who lives in N.Y. she doesn't work  she just complains about who has not sent her check this week. My sister and I use to get along fine until recently. In 2009 My Mom wanted to go to Ny to stay I was really against it because of my sisters denial and selfishness. She moved my mom into her own apt which was a nightmare with those aids that really stole anything they could get there hands on. Mom was missing for 12 hours one day she got away from the aid. One of the aids physically put there hands on her and my mom picked up something to defend herself. So my sister puts her in a nursing home, because she can't be bother with whats going on. I told her then I will come and get mom bring down here since she does not drive I can see her everyday compared to her once a week she said no. Something is not right!!!!! My mom is a retired RN for the state of NY and she deserves the best nursing home I can find. I'm willing to bring down to MS with me she doesn't need the cold winter. Another issue my sister has the power attorney will that cause me problems? I planning a trip next mont and need all the advice or maybe even legal rep.

RomeoBlue:

In 2006 I noticed some changes in my mom it was the early onset of dementa

How is Mom now?  Has the disease progressed?  Can she make decisions on her own?  If she could make her own decisions, she could choose to leave the nursing home if she wishes.  I would visit Mom in the home and check out the conditions.  If they are substandard or if Mom desires to move and is coherent, maybe you can make it happen.  If Mom is not with it at this time, you may have a problem.

Consult a local attorney for some advice before making any big decisions and see if they have any siuggestions.

RomeoBlue:

Another issue my sister has the power attorney will that cause me problems?

Possibly.  POA only gives your sister the authority to make medical decisions and pay bills.  What you need to find out is if she has guardianship for your mother and if mom has been declared incompetent.  If Mom is not of sound legal mind you will need to convince the courts that your conservatorship is better than sisters and moving Mom is in Mom's best interest.  

Basically a POA does not five Sis control over Mom--so long as Mom has a lucid moment Mom is verly likely free to just alk out of the facility and ride back to  MS with you, and if Mom is semi with it she can revoke the POA as well.

The thing to be very careful about is a POA probably gives its holder easy and relatively unchecked access to the grantors assets/income and they may well be able to clean out the larder.

Moral issues aside, if Mom is headed for long expensive care, there may be prudent ways to clean out the larder as quickly as possible.  The folks who were getting Medicaid were getting about the same level of care on the same floor, same building, same staff as I was paying at $8000 a month for care of my MIL--

If Mom wants to move, the quicker she does so while she has more of her wits about her, the easier it will be,

Again, I caution you about POA's who clean out the larder.

Her short term memory is bad. I haven't seen her in awhile but I talk when they get me through. This place even when I talk to her Doctor I can't get no real answer. I really feel the medical treatment is substandard. She always racing all over the place. when in my care I had her on meds for that so I will know more when I get there. Thanks for the prompt reply.  

How long has she been in NY?  Is she still a MS resident in theory?

If you need to get her out of NY I suggest you do so quickly,like almost instaneously, w/o comments, and get her to MS post haste--NO advance comments to anybody!

Now you would be even smarter to review your options with counsel first.

Sis and facility may see Mom as money tree and put all sorts of blocks in your way f they have advance warning.

If there is any possible abuse of POA, Mom needs to revoke POA in writing post haste and orally as well==do not leave the financial barn door open for even 8 hours.

I'm assuming the negative. Its also possible Sis is doing a darn good job to care for Mom  and Moms needs exceed your capacity to cope.

You very likely need a durable POA executed by Mom during a licid moment so you can make arrangements to care for her  etc....

Hello Drew can you explain further about the poa and the larder ( what does that mean) So you mean to tell me it doesn't matter how much u make anymore they put you anyway in the nursing home. I really feel she got up there to take advantage of her and leave her in a nursing home to wither away shame on her. She's in for a surprise. Thank You so so much

2 long miserable years of fighting fussing me and sister, my brothers won't help. NY resident with NCDL.  I have not told nobody coming. I will contact an atty in the morning. My mom has atty in yonkers ny who she deals with for over 15 years if he finds out that she is being abused I really beleive he would be upset about that. I just don't know if I counld trust that.

" Another issue my sister has the power attorney will that cause me problems"

Actually that is pretty much the ONLY issue. As long as she has POA she calls the shots. If you cannot work something you need to hire a lawyer to convince a judge that the POA needs to be changed AND that your mother is mentally incompetent. You'll likely also need formal guardianship.

If your motheris in a care facilty they are not going to let you just waltz her out of there.

Just becaue Mom is in a care facility that does not mean she cannot just walk out---it can get very case specific--if there is some sort of protection order in place her being a danger to herself-then you'd have issues to just walk her out..  but I was well aware that no such order were in place for either my mom or MIL, and Sis chose to take mom out of home and try to care for her---did a darn good job---no legal bars to same.

Your fact pattern may vary--sort it out silently-secretly .

The facility may view Mom as a cash cow and seek to protect cash cow status--do not assume facility is there to see it your way .

A patient with dementia is not going to be allowed to simply leave the facility. That would be actionable negligence on the part of the facility.

Poor memory does not always mean one has lost his rights ---( I'd be in real trouble)    but common sense may suggest that once daughter sees mom she will know mom is way too far out of it to make any sort of decision?

I see your point....We don't know first hand facts...

If she has been diagnosed with dementia (the specific term the poster used) yes, she will be limited in her movements for her own safety.

Perhaps correct---but I suspect an adult is generally presumed competent to make own decisions until such time as a court finds that they are not competent and need to be protected  as the result of a formal mental health evaluation --the fact that she no longer lives with Sis is not determinative that the is that out of it--Sis may have tired of coping...... Odds are Mom is more than a bit forgetful--but exactly where the line in the sand is as to being a danger to herself is beyond me.

But on one thing I'll agree--if there has been an adjudication that Mom is incompetent in NY its now too late for her to walk out---absent a hearing and finding to the contrary.

And I strongly suspect Sis is putting  love ahead of her actual ability to care for Mom. (I'm not up to changing diapers on my own mother 4 X a day or watching out 24/7)