Child refuses visitation

This has been going on since September 2009.I am the step-mother of 2 girls.  I showed up to pick up my 2 step-daughters for their weekly visitation with their father. (He was still at work and the paperwork allows him to designate a competant adult to pick the children up if he is unable.) When I arrive the youngest child (age 4) bounces out with smiles and hugs. However, the oldest child (age 9) begins screaming at me that she hates us and that she is not coming and we cant make her. The mother is videotaping it and says nothing. The step father says that she doesn't want to come and they have made her available and that if she refuses there is nothing we can do. He then slams the door in my face. I call the police and my husband and they give us a civil escore but say they can do nothing. The child again comes to the door and screams at my husband and the police. The cop does nothing. The only issue that we had before this was the child lied constantly and hit her sister and my daughter. We would punish her by taking away the tv, not allowing her see friends, or making her do extra chores. The mother and step father have always talked negatively about me and my husband saying we are "dumb, retarded, cant read, stupid, a dork, and ugly." We let this go. We are forced to follow the parenting plan to the T. If we show up at 5:55 we wait until 6:00. We are allowed no extra days, and no extra time. We are very involved. We attend class parties, meet with the teachers,  chaperone field trips, and spend quality time with the children during our time. My husband use to be able to talk to the children once or twice a week, but after we were married the phone calls were not allowed to continue. The child turned 10 in March. We were hoping to give her time to change her mind but that hasn't happened so we are going through the legal system. Also, the child was seeing a therapist from May-July but he said that she was "coached" and spoke with the mom about this. Once the child stopped coming with us the mother quit sending her to the therapist as well. We spoke with the therapist and he attempted to set up a family session in October but the mother refused to attend. The mother is not allowed to communicate with my husband. She has blocked him from her e-mail and will not return calls. She very rarely comes to the door when we pick up or drop off the kids. It is the step-father. If she is at the door she opens the door a crack, lets the kids/kid out and shuts the door quickly. We have retained an attorney. (Yesterday) I guess what I am asking is this: If the mother and step father have the child on video screaming that she hates us is the mother in "contempt of court." We have seen the youngest daughter from Sept-present, but not the oldest. We love both the kids and want our time with them. We tried not to force her but nothing is improving. Any thoughts??

And if she screams that she hates school, you think she doesn't have to go?

CHildren do not get to make these choices.

Agree with above--its not childs call--and if Dad lets kid make calls at 9 its down hill  or worse.....

 

and if CP refuses to cooperate then Dad needs to seek remedy in court--and ask for costs/sanctions.

Me, I'd suggest you start making videos of this little terrors charming displays as well! 

No you cannot give charmer a swat on the behind.

But I think you can tell CP its her duty to deliver charmer to front seat of car  and video her if she refuses--two can play the game!

Dad needs to look up if there is a statute about interference with parternal rights in his state and discuss same with counsel.

 

We are in Tx. We are meeting with the attorney tomorrow with a calendar of all the days that the child did not come during visitation. The mother and step-father say there only job is to make her "readily available." Oh...and here's something else I didn't mention. The child had not come to the door since Sept 4, 2009. We showed up on her birthday (March 2) for our visitation (6-8pm) and she did come to the door that night but refused to come. They also refused to let the youngest come on that night. The step father said they were a "package deal." (I guess he meant in reference to the oldest child's birthday. That if she did not come then the youngest did not get to come.) So basically we did not see her from Sept 4, 2009-March 2, 2010. I will def. have my husband bring the stuff you mentioned up in the meeting. (Interference with paternal rights.) We do not use corporal punishment w the kids. But I know the step-father does even though my husband has sent certified letters saying he does not consent. But we just get those letters handed back to us at the next visitation with the word "retard" written on them. Can the step-father give corporal punishment?? Thanks for your help!!

Thats what I thought. Hopefully when we go to court the system wont fail us! We just want to see the kids.

I think the only real answer here is to hire a lawyer and take her to court.

My ex used to play these types of games also.  Even the package deal one, etc etc.

I took her to court numerous times for this, and the last time we agreed to a visitation mediator.  The mediator is used if there are problems, and the mediator decides who pays what percentage of his fee depending on who he determines to be more at fault.  My ex paid for nearly the entire bill for the vistiation mediator the first time, and now, when she becomes dificult, I merely say I will be contacting the visitation mediator if we cannot agree.  It's worked quite well in my case. That's all I need to say now, and suddenly, she's all agreeable.  She does not want to pay another bill of her own doing.

 

Wish i would have known that the price of mediation does not have to be 50/50. Thats what we paid last time we used mediation. She wanted exclusive rights for medical, dental, durgical, education, and pshychological issues. We hired a mediator who pretty much told her the idea was ridicilous since the dad is so involved. That was the end of it and we paid half the bill.

I know that my 9 year old doesn't want to go to her dad's either, however until such time as the courts give her an option to express her desires (which they will when she is 14), she understand that she has to go. If its a long visit, sometimes I have to pry a clinging crying child off me which breaks my heart everytime I have to but I keep praying it will get to a point where the NCP and stepmom realize what they are doing to her by the way they treat her when she visits.

As to the corporal punishment, make sure you bring it up to the attorney. I have some experience with a similar situation. Corporal punishment by a stepparent is not considered child abuse but can be considered assault. In my situation, should the stepmom decide to place her hands on my child again - she will find the police on her doorstep facing arrest and possible jail time. At minimum we will end up back in court where I request that the judge order the visitation with the NCP and the stepmom not be allowed around our children. 

Maybe the threat of corporal punishment is being used to prevent the child from visiting. Just a thought and my opinion.

 

 

Let me be SUPER clear. My husbad (the NCP) and I (the step parent) NEVER use corporal punishment. We hate the thought that she doesn't want to come and have giver her 6 months to get thru what we hoped was a stage. We sincerely feel that she doesn't come because of bad mouthing from the mom and step-dad. We do not treat this child bad. We do things as a family and my husband makes time for 1 on 1 activities with each child. There are rules that all the girls are expected to follow: no hitting, no lieing, respect. Simple but clear. Are you saying that maybe the step dad is threatening to use corporal punishment on this child if she comes to see us? I also wonder if  they are encouraging the child NOT to visit because she is at the age where she is telling us things. My husband wrote a letter about corporal punishment, and about the fact that the step father has been abusive toward the mother in front of the children. (By the way if a child tells the NCP that it is considered heresay and not taken seriously.) I do appreciate your advice about corporal punishment. My only concern is that there is so much time (anywhere from 3 days to a week) during visitation that if corporal punishment did take place and there is no red or bruising is it a problem legally. Thanks for your advice!

another thought, on this is to meet at a neutral location.  Maybe the police station or something?

There was a time, when my daughters were younger, my ex forbid me to drive into the driveway to pick them up. 

She would have them walk to the end and stand by the street.  She insisted I drop them off in the street as well, so they could carry their own suitcases. 

She then told my daughters I was refusing to pick them up at the front door, and she was sorry.

Divorce can be a real war, especially when children are involved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is exactly what I am saying. I was not implying that you were using corporal punishment. I was explaining that my situation is similar with the exception that the roles are reversed and the stepmother had used corporal punishment on my child in the past. I have spoken to the police about my particular situation and what the next steps would be should the stepmother attempt to spank or hit my child again. I told the NCP in no uncertain terms that it was not tolerated and it would be in his best interest to ensure it NEVER happens again.

My child does not like going because the NCP rarely spends time with her (except the ride back to the airport, the grandparents pick her up when she arrives), she is left in the care of the stepmother the entire time she is there which wouldn't be a problem if the child wasnt forced to feel like she was a burden, she is not allowed to call home unless someone is sitting next to her monitoring the calls, she has to stay in the bedroom until an adult is up unless one of her older stepsisters is home, they continuously discuss me and she is made to sit in the room while they talk badly about me. I could go on and on but nothing I have stated is a cause for me to suspend visitation. What I can say is that the next time we are in court I will have some previsions added to the visitation schedule (i.e. uninterrupted or monitored calls, etc.).

....."and have giver her 6 months to get thru what we hoped was a stage..."  --- then based on that, YOU allowed her not to come and that is not contempt.

There is a difference between Mom refusing to allow the child to come and the child having a fit and you giving in.  Mom is correct in one way, she had the child available and she did not refuse the court ordered time. Child has a fit, you give in. Not contempt.  The fact Mom videotaped the exchanges could help her prove she did not refuse the visitation.

 

 

I see exactly what you're saying. But the child only came to the door once in sept and once in march. All the other visitations she did not come to the door and the step father told us she wasn't coming. When I said we were giving her time I meant as far as hiring an attorney. We asked for her every time and were not given the chance to see her. She was actually only made available twice. As far as a neutral location we are including that when we modify the papers. We want to meet in the police dpt lobby.